Lost in 20s

Ambiguity and Ambitions

Being in your 20s feels like - ambitions and self-doubt coexist like roommates who can't stand each other but have to share a bathroom. You're surrounded by a sea of lonely, obsessed, and hungry folks, all looking for meaning in their lives. It's like we're all part of a giant GenZ/Millenial scavenger hunt - except the prize is just a sense of direction. Everyone looks like they have it all sorted, but nobody does. With so many options at our fingertips, it's like we're drowning in a pool of indecision, wondering if we should have gone with being an influencer instead? (I really should)

It's a time when everything feels important and insignificant at the same time like we're all extras in a movie, but we don't know what the plot is. Are we just living in a world of our own (Like Uday Chopra mentioned in The Romantics?)

Anyway, my life has been a constant dance between success and failure, getting lost and being found. It's like one challenge is thrown at me after another and a lifelong struggle to navigate this duality and find balance amidst the ups and downs. I have absolutely no direction of what I want and who I am. 

I am part of this woman and AFAB community by Ripen.in, and I was giving someone a pep talk “This is the only time you have absolutely no responsibility on you, so take the big leaps and big risks.” I repeat this to everybody because on most days I need to hear it myself.

We're just one decision away from a completely different life. You could pack your bags and move to a new city, decide to get a new degree, jump into a new career, swipe right on that Bumble match and find the love of your life, or even start your own business. Who knows? I got my vision corrected and braces removed and it’s pretty life-changing for me. In the past two years, I went from someone who wanted to only hustle and do big things to someone who wants to chill at work and life and have a healthy balance. Who knows what tomorrow holds? From couch potato working from home to living in Thailand or from a cubicle to a successful entrepreneur. Our 20s are to take a gamble on life because you never know where it might lead you!

But let's be real, and stop the influencer pep-talk. When I am done being all ambitious and living in my world, we realise how some of us are stuck at home, some are stuck at jobs we cannot leave, in relationships that are meh, and in places that look like getting stuck deep in a well. You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be. Change is never easy. I have changed careers twice in the last 18 months, it’s absolutely scary!!! It's like trying to do a cartwheel after a night of drinking - you might have the confidence, but the execution is a whole different story. It takes so much guts, support and an army of cheerleaders. And don't even get me started on the dilemma of staying with something that is comfortable right now or going for something that makes your adrenaline rush.

I mean, I am constantly questioning: Am I on the right track? Should I be focusing more on my personal life or career?  Is freedom a blessing or a curse? I love living alone but the loneliness kicks in. I moved to a new city but I have no friends. I love my job but I hate fighting my family over it. Do I have the right people around me? Will this decision bring me happiness? Am I functioning to please others or am I doing it for myself? Am I overspending and not saving enough? Do I want to ever marry? Have kids? Have a house? Should I just become an influencer? Am I a bad person? Why am I always sad? Am I not doing enough?

TBH Everybody around us, whether they are getting married and having kids, at the peak of their careers, or they look like they have it all sorted - but Everybody is as lost as we are. Trust me, after talking to tons of people and looking into lives, everybody has it hard and everybody is trying to fake it till they make it.

For me, the uncertainty is overwhelming. We don't know when things will get better, and we're left at the mercy of ambiguity. Time runs so fast that we fail to pause and see where we have come. It's hard not to wonder what kind of person we'll be on the other side of this. On the other side of the 20s. Will we stay the same or become unrecognizable? When will we feel normal again?

Uncertainty is difficult to tolerate when we're used to having clear answers. School college tak toh sab sort tha, sab pata tha kaise hoga and kya karna hai. Personally, I'm better at taking action than I am at sitting with the unknown. However, in looking back at my life, this short little life, I realize that every ambiguous and painful experience has helped me understand myself more deeply. It was worth enduring the discomfort of ambiguity to gain that insight.

In fact, most things that truly matter in life are inherently ambiguous. If we can't learn to tolerate uncertainty, we'll constantly be striving to eliminate it, leading to anxiety and suffering.

It's easy to feel left behind in a society that values growth, speed, and competition. and like Ted Mosby says, "It's like we're waiting for the universe to give us one big "Yes!" in the form of a sign, but it's not coming."

I will tell you exactly what I tell myself - to hold on. Fuck around in your 20s, stop thinking too much and take the leaps. You're on this constant quest for identity. You're trying to figure out who you are, what you stand for, and what your place in the world is. When you get a little overwhelmed, remember today was unknown too, you are here and you are okay. We’ll get there, and we will be okay. Hold tight. 

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Links I’ll whatsapp you if we were friends-

1. Cities and Ambitions

2. Self-awareness is Lonely

3. “Life is short, though I keep this from my children”

(On some days I’m only writing because I know the 5 people who will definitely read this and write back to me.

I love when you write back to me and tell me how you felt, what you liked or what you think can be improved. You can just reply to this or drop a text on any of my socials, I appreciate it so much and I’ll get back to you soon, Promise)

Until next time,

Janhavi 💞