I don’t want to forget how to think
Because I’m not ready to let go of my curiosity
It’s funny how life changes, right? How can you go from devouring books to barely being able to focus for more than 10 minutes? I was sitting in Hampstead Heath the other day with a friend, trying to play one of those “guess the country” games on a map, and it hit me, I don’t know as much as I thought I did. It’s like that muscle in your brain just gets weaker when you don’t use it. And I haven’t been using it. I used to be someone who could debate world history for hours and quote random facts from geography books. I should have known more by now. But somehow, I don’t. So now, am I sitting here feeling like a stranger to the knowledge I used to hold so confidently?
I was always the one who had all the answers. the one who knew what sea was where, which country was facing a political crisis, and who knew what glaciers were melting and why. I prided myself on having random facts that made me seem… smarter. But now, I don’t know why I don’t care enough to have an opinion. Maybe I was too tired to care. Or maybe I stopped caring because I just needed a break from the constant pressure to know it all.
It was like I had an identity built around knowledge, but at some point, I walked away from it. After all the studying for UPSC and every other exam I pushed myself through in the last few years, I started closing those doors to that knowledge, as if it were a defence mechanism to the years of exhausting my mind. Maybe I needed a break from being the “smart one,” so I shut it all off. The books, the notes, the endless pages of information I thought would be my identity. And now, I look back and realise I don’t remember as much as I should. It’s like that part of me that used to think deeply just went into hiding. And maybe I justified it as burnout. Or maybe I just stopped caring for that side of me because I didn’t think I’d need it. I started having fun. I started doom-scrolling. I started being the internet person. I started being the fun one. I started being someone who is just present. I wanted to be the funny, spontaneous person who doesn’t overthink. But I’ve realised now that I miss the old me. The curious me. The one who wanted to know everything for the sake of knowing, not for the sake of impressing.
I miss that feeling of reading for the joy of reading. I miss that buzz I used to get from discovering a new piece of knowledge and pondering over it for hours. But now, I feel like I’ve just been gliding through life, filling time with random scrolling, instead of real intellectual engagement. I let myself become a part of the noise. I get lost in the distraction, but I miss that sharpness. I miss feeling alive in my mind.
It’s funny because I’ve always been someone who didn’t want to be a machine. I chose to work in marketing because I wanted to think creatively, to share my opinions, and to be someone who could bring fresh ideas into the world. But lately? I’ve been going for the easy way out. I’d Google everything. Ask ChatGPT for suggestions. It became easier. It was more convenient. But honestly, it started to feel like I was losing myself in the process.
I used to be on top of world news. I’d debate with my dad for hours about geopolitics and current events. But now, I sit in silence, not knowing what’s going on, not having an opinion to share. Am I being ignorant? Am I living too much in the moment, at the expense of staying informed?
But now, I want to go back to being the person who thought deeply, who knew things, who didn’t mind being the person who sat in uncomfortable silences thinking for a while. I miss the days when I was actively curious about the world around me.
Here’s what I’m doing now:
letting myself be bored again
I know it sounds counterintuitive, but I’m trying to embrace boredom. like, actually sitting in it without picking up my phone or reaching for a distraction. It’s uncomfortable at first. But after a while, your mind starts to stretch. It starts to come up with new ideas, new thoughts, and new ways of seeing things. So, I’m trying to give myself space to think again. No distractions, no noise, just me and my thoughts. Taking the longer way home, a drive with no music, just being bored. It’s about retraining my brain to think the way it used to. It feels a little rusty, but I think I’m getting there.
I’m not googling everything immediately.
Sure, it is convenient. It’s helpful. But I’ve noticed that whenever I don’t know something, my first instinct is to Google it or check ChatGPT. And I’m not saying that’s bad. But I’ve started to realise that it’s okay not to have the answer immediately. This one’s hard because the second I don’t know something, my fingers are already typing into a search bar. But lately, I’ve been letting my brain try again before outsourcing it.
I want to write for the fun of it again
I’ve always loved writing. But lately, it’s felt more like a task than an outlet. I used to just write for the joy of it, so I’m writing like no one’s going to see it. Half the stuff I write now sits in my notes app with no structure, no real purpose. Just thoughts I don’t want to forget. Or maybe feelings I can’t explain yet. Writing used to be how I made sense of things. I’m trying to get back to that. Not every sentence needs to be profound. Sometimes it’s just a mess. And that’s fine. This email is a start. I’d just let my thoughts spill onto the page. That’s what I want to go back to.
I’m reading slowly. like, really slowly.
i’m trying to stop racing through books just to finish them. now i just read until something clicks. sometimes i stop after two pages. sometimes i reread the same line five times because it makes me feel something. and i’m not reading for productivity or goals. just for the feeling of being fully in someone else’s thoughts for a while.
i’m letting myself nerd out again.
last week i watched a 20-minute video about ocean currents and honestly? it was fun?? i wasn’t trying to be smart. I was just curious. and it felt like the most me i’ve felt in a while. that weird rabbit-hole feeling. i miss that.
letting myself be a little “stupid”
Here’s the thing: I don’t need to have the answer to everything. I don’t need to know everything. And that’s okay. I’ve started allowing myself to not know things, to not have the perfect response, to just be okay with not knowing. It feels liberating, honestly. Not every silence needs to be filled. not every opinion needs to be mine.
i’m choosing what i let into my head.
I am used to consuming everything, every tweet, every post, every piece of breaking news. and my brain just started feeling heavy all the time. I’ve realised that part of me getting “dumber” wasn’t just from overworking, it was from filling my brain with other people’s thoughts. My brain needs to process things on its own before it absorbs more from outside. so now, i’m being a little more selective. not in a “i’m quitting social media” dramatic way, but in a “not everything deserves a spot in my brain” way. and it’s helping.
Why I’m doing this:
I used to think I had to be the smart one all the time. The person who had all the answers, who could recite facts and impress everyone in the room. But now, I think that’s a little exhausting. What’s more valuable now is just letting myself be present. to let my brain think freely, to stop overloading it and let it breathe.
So, maybe, this is my way of getting my brain back. It’s not about “getting smarter,” it’s about reconnecting with the parts of me that made me feel alive, that made me feel curious.
If you’re like me, maybe you’ve felt this too, the loss of that sharpness, that curiosity, that fire. But I’m learning that it’s okay to feel “stuck” sometimes. You’re not broken. Your brain isn’t gone. You just need to wake it up.
And I’m waking mine up, slowly but surely.
(On some days, I’m only writing because I know the 5 people who will definitely read this and write back to me. I love it when you write back to me and tell me how you feel, what you like or what you think can be improved. You can just reply to this or drop a text on any of my socials. I appreciate it so much, and I’ll get back to you soon.)
Drink some water and buy yourselves some flowers.
See you in the next chapter,